There is so much we really do not know about other cultures. You may think you have a good understanding about other cultures but really you have NO IDEA! Why do they do the things they do and why can't they just get it together and understand what they are doing is not right??? One of the things that was drummed into me when I was a kid was to have good manners. When I was growing up, it was not uncommon for a knife to come across the knuckles at the dinner table or a fork to come stabbing at us when we were doing something that was not acceptable to my father as far as manners was concerned. Chew with your mouth shut, don't make that smacking sound, don't talk with food in your mouth, don't pick your teeth at the table, etc., etc. The things where the West and East differ goes on and on. Now I am not saying, we are perfect. I do not believe I have the best table manners if I was to be measured up to a ediquitte book but I do have what most Americans would call good manners. Please, Thank You, No Thank You...you get what I'm trying to say. We use certain common courtesy manners in the States and when you travel to other parts of the world, you quickly realize, people are NOT like in the US and we think we are way better because we do and more civilized because of it. But the eating habits are something that I do not think I will be able to ever let go of. I mean really??? do I need to hear you eating your food across the room in a busy resturant? Well, it is not uncommon to "hear" many individuals having their dinners without you even sitting next to them. I realized it when we first visited China in 2008 and I remember looking at Suonllen and saying, we are NOT going to pick up these habits. When the kids and I came to visit Suonllen in March on spring break, I noticed he had already starting making sounds when he was eating and I was like, Ahhh hell no! and he had only been here a month at that time. I made a comment to him and to the kids, WE ARE GOING TO KEEP OUR MANNERS and maybe the Chinese will learn from us? who knows...I am not going to try and explain a reason why they Chinese people eat the way they do, not really sure except to point out their set of manners are different and certain things have a higher priority than eating with their mouth closed and not making smacking sounds when they eat. That is still evident two years later as I contemplate wearing ear plugs out to dinner!
From the training today and yesterday, the main theme I got out of this two day training was that the Chinese people (in the Northeast area where we are living) are all about "Saving Face." Meaning, keeping up a good appearence and not embarassing someone where they would look bad or make them lose face. Loosing face is something that could happen very easily without a "Westerner" would even know it. Status also plays a role in how things are perceived and done. You could loose face if you loose your cool in a meeting, the Chinese may distance themselves from you because you can not control yourself in a professional role and they will do not want to be associated with someone who is not fitting in. If you are the boss, you need to somehow regain face or you will lose respect of the employees. One of the things one of the presenters said several times is, "they want a hero in their heart to follow" meaning no mistakes and a they will do anything for them. If you embarass them, it is next to impossible to get them back on your side to get them to perform for you. On the other hand, you can not praise too much or you may lose them from performing their duties for you if they feel they are perceived as doing a really good job, they do not have to work as hard and their status may have shifted above yours??. It's really complicated and after each time we had a break, we all had questions???
The Chinese have been taught to NOT to cause waves, so if you do, you will not be associated with. They are taught not to question the superiors and they WILL NOT question a superior in a meeting even if the superior is wrong and has messed up. If you ask them to do something for you, they will say they ok and it will not get done if they do not have a clue what you are asking them to do. They will not tell you they do not understand something. A Chinese person may be thirsty as crazy or hungry but will say no if you ask them if they want something. Even if you aske them a second time, No. They will not tell you outright what they want and it will take several (more than three attempts) times before they accept something from you even if they secretly need it or want it. AND basically you have to force them to take it, by putting it in their hand or in their possession. THEN they will take it. It's like, the opposite of what Rosie says in "White Man Can't Jump" We say, I'm Thirsty and someone will offer us a drink and we will take it. The Chinese will not say a thing, when you ask them if they are thirsty, they will say no over and over and over...humility-don't draw attention...but if you insist after three times and place it in their hand, they they will take it. Too many times an American will give up after asking several times not knowing this and the Chinese person really does want it but will never tell you.
The Chinese are about being in harmony with nature and being humble. They value their "ingroup" more than anything else and they will do anything for someone in their ingroup. the key to this is the relationships. Ingroups can be created by being from the same home town, going to the same school, working at a job together, anything. There is an interesting example of how it could work against you if you are not in their INGROUP. You may have one person working for you and then they have a friend working in another area(they are in the same ingroup) Say for example the person in the other area messes up, the person in your group may cover for them even though it could directly affect your group negatively because that other person is in their INGROUP and that relationship is more important than whatever their role is in the job. A job can come and go but a friend in the INGROUP can be counted on. If you are in their INGROUP: They expect you to be there for them without asking. This is very different from Americans. We hate to ask for help. If we do say need help moving, we bribe saying "hey, there will be beer and I'll buy Pizza if you could help". We hate to "OWE" anything to anyone. The interesting thing is the Chinese will not ask for help. They are all about anticipating what a friend needs or wants and you are supposed to provide it without expecting anything in return immediately. Mention you are going to be moving and a good friend in your ingroup will have a truck lined up whether it's theirs or their uncles they will borrow for you, they will line up people to help moving and do whatever is necessary because they WANT to help. Now it's not to say it's not without a price, when they need help in anyways, they will drop a hint or two and you are to know they are wanting some help or assistance with something you can directly take care of for them. It may not be a month from now, it may be a year or two, it just depends. It maybe that they are ordering books and having them shipped to you in the states, COD, expect you to pay for them and then deliver them without expecting payment for the items.(that was an example one of the presenters gave) Good Friends know that some day they may need to repay a favor. That friend repayed the presenter a year or so later when the presenter told the friend that he was going to be bringing a group of students to the hometown as the friend and the friend took it upon themselves to have his father and several others pick them up at the airport and had all kinds of activities arranged for them as well as lodging, no payment was expected and everything was taken care of. So Do not expect to get "paid back" immediately because if you do, the friendship is not that deep, the longer the time passes, the better the friendship is. We Americans hate to feel like we "owe" someone anything, we want to be free of any future obligations so we repay a perceived debt immediately, the Chinese view this as a superficial relationship.
Table manners and relationships, that is just two aspects we differ. Chinese Americans are not like Chinese Nationalists, the two presenters were "Americanized" and discussed the frustrations they feel as Chinese Americans living in China. They have it bad because they are expected to "KNOW" the Chinese way of living and doing things. It was funny to see these two guys talking about their experiences, if you closed your eyes you could not tell they were of Chinese blood, American as you and I. Some of the things they said constantly was smiling when saying something, never confront infront of someone if your Ayi or Driver makes a mistake, being polite and remain calm was the best way for us to deal with the Chinese people because no matter what we do, how we act, they are not going to change their core being of how they did things and what they valued...they were very helpful and suggesting taking one day at a time, that's what they recommended.
There were several presentations of cultural things such as tea preparation and explainations about the different kinds and how to drink them. This morning we watched as two elderly woman did a sword routine as well as a fan dance(they were also used as weapons at one time and the way these women snapped them open, I could see it!) We were shown about the regimented routines that are followed to present the flags each morning, watched some young girls tell the story of before Mao, when Mao came into power and when the "Republic" was formed and how the people rejoiced. On the first day, we met a "Master" of watercolor painting, he painted our Chinese names for us and the flowers that represented our names. I guess he had studied for 10 years so he could say he mastered three things, Tai Chi, of course and then he is also a Calligraphy Master for Chinese Symbols. The second day, we made dumplings and we were taught how to write the symbols for China and the correct way to write it using and holding the paintbrush. I was like, I got this, I'm a painter's daughter afterall. He made it look so easy when we were doing it but ours looked NOTHING like his! but he still smiled and said good job...guess he was trying to help us save face even though we were not in his ingroup which is not usually the case with the Chinese people. The Chinese feel no loyalty or moral obligation to you whatsoever if you are not in their INGROUP......
The Chinese people who were Chinese citizens and not Westerners, you could tell were very proud to tell their culture to us and wanted us to understand why they are the way they are. They are also very intersted in us and understanding why we do things the way we do. Learning the language is a major plus even if you show a little bit of knowledge and it's wrong. They are happy you are trying and will give a little more, be a little more friendly on the surface but it takes a lot of trust and good will on our parts if we wanted to get into their graces and their INGROUP...so my goal, not piss anyone off and try and be the American they want in their INGROUP at least for a little while....
